In 2010, troubled starlet and good time gal Lindsay Lohan was jailed for 90 days for violating her probation by living it up in Cannes when she was supposed to be in court. For anyone who has been following Lohan’s race to the bottom (of a bottle?), this seemed an inevitable conclusion to a string of continuous failed court appearances, numerous drink driving incidents and increasingly lame excuses, “um I couldn’t like get to court because I like totally lost my passport in France”, which we all know is only a minor step up on the explanation scale from “My PA ate it”.
For us mere mortals we can only look on astonished that repeated violations of the law by the chosen ones (better known as celebrities), are humoured by police and courts alike. Lohan’s recent incarceration seems that clearly you can only take the Michael for so long before a Judge Judy type has your number and throws the book at you (not literally of course, one doesn’t wish to be sued darling).
Lohan’s sentencing, to the joy of the tabloids, is available online and you can watch a tearful and confused Lohan begging for lenience whilst also insisting “I wasn’t expecting any special treatment”. It’s reported that Lohan protested to the judge that she did not realise she had not been keeping up with the order and insisted a ‘busy’ work schedule had stopped her attending regularly. Let’s back up a second here, Lohan was ordered to attend alcohol education classes as part of her probation, failed to attend on numerous occasions and blamed it on work commitments, which we can only assume means “I was like partying super hard in Cannes”. What’s a star to do?
Lohan’s lawyer was on hand thankfully to offer a sense of perspective on these repeated violations, by urging the judge not to punish Lohan too severely because she “…did the best she could under extremely difficult circumstances”.
A less than impressed judge who just doesn’t seem to get that celebrities are above the law, handed down a ninety day jail term to a bewildered Lohan in addition to a 90 day stretch as an in-patient on a substance abuse programme.
Cue misplaced outrage from Lohan’s current director Matthew Wilder, who has clearly been watching reruns of LA Law as he spoke with some scathing authority on the subject of justice, “This is a sad chapter in the ongoing tragicomic circus between the tabloid media and the ‘justice’ system,” Wilder furiously wrote in a statement to MTV. “An outrageously out-sized sentence garners attention for all the players involved, but brings only sadness to the poor soul who has to serve it.” That’s right kids, if you repeatedly break the law and you just happen to be starring in a new film about ex-porn star Linda Lovelace, 90 days incarceration is proclaimed as “outrageous”.
On a roll, Wilder offered his unconditional support to the star, “I am 100% behind Lindsay and can say the same for everyone involved in the production of Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story. Indeed, we are proud to have this remarkable artist work on our film. And as for the haters relishing this moment, I can only quote Jesus in The Last Temptation Of Christ: ‘And those who are laughing now…will be crying after.’” Yes Matthew, I can see how unjust suffering of this magnitude requires a direct comparison with Jesus Christ himself. These are dark times indeed.
Whether Lohan will even set foot in a jail remains to be seen though, as her last prison sentence was an impressive eighty-four minutes in a correctional facility in 2007 after she admitting being under the influence of cocaine, drink driving and one count of reckless driving.
Just in case this was not far enough removed to reality for you, it even seems that Miss Lohan can in fact choose when to make herself available for jail time, with her lawyer enquiring “Could your Honour give us two weeks?” Packing for jail is super stressful right? Now get Gaga’s people on the phone like now, I need incarceration chic, one surely can’t be seen in an orange jumpsuit?
You can’t help but wonder how this might play out the real world, when upon being sentenced for multiple counts of car theft, Baz requests to get sent down a week on Tuesday as he has a big job on at the chop shop right now and those Fiestas ain’t gonna shift themselves yeah?
So has this sorry episode signalled the end of the road of the special treatment for celebs? Well if this is anything like Paris Hilton’s stint in the slammer, where she walked out, you can only assume that “Jail Is Not So Hot”, after just three days due to an ‘unspecified medical condition’, you can just bet your incarcerated ass that it’s business as usual.
This was written by a young person in Cardiff. The views expressed in it are their own and not those of Red -Button.